Wednesday, October 14, 2015


I'm sure no one is reading this blog as i'm just ranting hahahahah. maybe there's someone. anywaysssssssssssss, wanna write down about the good things that happened lately. :)

I learned to be super grateful with what I have in my life now. Of course, I strive for more satisfactions but I'm feeling thankful already.

Well, where should I start. He bought me back to his hometown Muar for a week. Seriously, luckily, thankfully, I did follow him back to his hometown. This opportunity makes us grew more and understand each other more, and of course, we cleared our doubts towards each other about past 4 months.
Okay, maybe more of my doubt. I might sound like a super freak jealous gf but I-dont-care-bitch. For the past 4 months, I've been doubting this and that and I finally speak out my mind and I feel very comfortable about it. Sorry if i hurt your feelings baby but I just really cares about those issues.
Well, I'm sorry for reading your conversations in whatapps but you know, those conversations give me hella goosebumps and jealousy overflow. Trust me, I really feel like crying, which is i did the night of that day lol, but it just hurts me more. Anyways, we cleared this issues up and we are good now.

Spending time with his family is really awesome, makes me feel like a home. I've always wished that i have a sister, and his sister makes me feels like she is really my sister. hahah Throughout this trip, I get to know this suku kia more, this behaviour, his habits and we really had a great bonding session. am i right baby? yeah. so, i feel that in the past, communication is really a failure in our relationship, but i'm glad that what I've lost came back to me. after much tears and vows and secret promises. :)

I used to think that what I said, he won't take it and so does the same thing on me. I mean yea, it is that way in the past 3rd year onwards i suppose. idk what does it happen, ego and pride had overtake the vulnerablity and honesty of a relationship. for the past 4 months, I really grew a lot and learned a lot about him and myself. I have to gain back my trust and confident, so be patient with me okay baby? I might sound ridiculous sometimes but i'm doing my best to change, so do you. more compromisation and communication is needed in this relationship. And I really do appreciate it a lot. which end up i might be overreacting but heyyy, gimme sometime.

And he came to my house in Kampar as well. FINALLY!!!!! hahaha for so long I've been waiting for him to come, things are good. luckily my dad didn't shoot him in his head (jk lol). I happy that my parents are quite supportive as well and gave me some advise in relationship, mom, dad, sorry for crying so hard for the past 4 months and freak the shit out of you guys, I promise i will love myself more and grow up. one-night is quite short for his stay at my place, but baby promised that he will come often, so don't forget your promises okay? :p I'm anticipating..

I'm doing all the things that I wouldn't do in the past, like posting him on the social media and stuffs like that. But now, I did. Because these ways of showing love to him is what he wanted, and I finally know how it feels when he does the same as well. THE FEELING OF DECLARING YOUR TERRITORY. hahahahahahahahha this is crazy. whatever.
And this is super cheesy but we changed our whatapps pp to the same pics of US <3 all="" babehhhh="" blinddddddddd="" go="" gonna="" hahahahah.="" i="" m="" make="" of="" p="" you="">
And, I bring him to my friends. initially asking him out for just a lunch but this sweetheart agrees to go to genting with us. I'm so so so so so happy i couldn't tell. Cus I know, he won't do these in the past, he will feel isolated and weird to join my friends. But now, not anymore :D yayyyyyyy!

And this is the first time I go to genting with my bf presence. and his virgin-drive up to genting hill. Throughout this trip, of course we get closer to each other and the bonding is getting stronger and stronger. And I'm really glad. The part that touches me the most, I almost cried(tearsofjoy) is when he gave me small text at the night we all went back.

thank you baby for doing all these for me, I really appreciate you sooooooo much, I love you!

Let's keep this relationship shipping till the end of our lives. shall we?

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Today I talked to my mom about us.
Eh? Dad knew about this too. And they are not disagreeing about this. I'm really glad.

Mom told me, in order to start over a relationship, its not easy. I know.
She told me, communication is very important. and its not about compromising but accepting each other the way they are.
I think both of us are lack of this right now.

Baby, do you know, I'm trying very hard to re-spark this relationship. I'm doing my best to make you feel cared and loved. But then, to be honest, I start to lose myself.
I feel like i'm trying hard to prove my value to you. and I'm really unhappy about this.
Sometimes, I be very caring, but the way you replied me is just cold.
Sometimes, I saw you online on facebook or whatapps, but you dont bother to reply my text. Do you realize that ever since we reconciled, you never reply text instantly? You will drag it for quite sometime before you reply.
I really wonder, are you that busy? Or you dont feel like talking to me?
Can you tell me how you feel? I wanted to tell you how I feel but i'm afraid that I'll lose you again.
And i'm afraid that my behavior will pressure you, which is i dont mean to do so, but just to let you know that I care.
They say, its not easy to start over again, we will cherish and appreciate each other more.
But I still feel the gap between us, I feel like you're hiding something or you are not being vulnerable and honest.
I'm very sad about this, but how can I let you know?
I really hope things will work out, full of my heart, sincerely.
that's why i'm doing my very best. Can you do your best as well?
Make a balance between us?

I love you.

Friday, September 11, 2015


Words cant describe how grateful and how happy I am to have you back as my love one!
Seriously, the moment when you ask me to lie down and hug me, I've never felt this blessed and happy before. I'm so glad to be back into your arms. you still smell the same, my favorite smell. :D

I promise you, I will cherish this relationship with full of my heart and soul. I believe that since we are able to over come this 4 months struggle, nothing can hit us down anymore.

I will never stop learning and study about you, so I can be someone that you grow with and love.

Baby, I'm seriously grateful. I want this to last till the day i die.

I love you.

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Hmm... well you said you wanna take things slowly..
you said you're not the same old you anymore..
I dont really understand.
I'm not complaining just wondering, since you said you've changed so much, why do you come back and wanna start things all over again?
Are you treating me as a spare tyre before you found someone else?
Or i should say, do you still love me? you come back is because you love me, right?

If you're coming back just because you can let go of the past 4 years, then you're really selfish.
Cus I'm being really honest now. I want things to work out, and I will do whatever it takes to do so.

I hope that you come back is because you still love me, and you want both of us to work hard to make things work.
I'm being very clear to you, I'm not a choice. I dont wanna be your spare tyre, or someone that you think of only when you feel lonely or boring.
I want to be in your priority list.
If you just take me as an "insurance", I can tell you now, just leave me alone.
Unless you really want things to work out just like I do.

I'm serious, because you never know how much I risk myself again, putting myself into uncertainties.

I am very insecure. You say I have to deal my my insecurities, but you have to know, you have something to do with it as well.

I just wanted to be treated fairly and I sincerely hope things will go well and this is forever.

Sunday, August 30, 2015

how much more tears do I have to shed for you..

Can't we just have a happy ending?

things are not that complicated isn't it?
either you leave me or you love me?

I've been changing, tolerating and I happy to do so.
But yet, I have expectations i admit.
At least some care and love that you could show more on me?

how long can we be like this?...
i'm risking myself to a bad heartbreak again...

I really do want this relationship to work so much, and I am sincerely working hard.
What about you?

How long do you want me to wait... or test me?

I'm heartbroken, sad...
very sad.. all i can do is cry silently inside my blanket.

I cant tell anyone about us, i want you to be the one who tell everyone about us.
So that i'm really sure that you want this as well.

But....will it happen?
i'm in fear... fear of losing and hurting again.

I really do love you.
i really do...

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Things are getting better... we are finally back on track.
But, the relationship is still ambiguous.
Hence, insecure.

There's lots of things I wanna share with you, lots of plannings and thinking going on.
But, who I am to tell you all this? Feels improper to do so since I'm not your gf.
And I'm still not really sure, do you really keen on wanting this relationship?
hahhaha Idk. :(

I hope everything is happening according who what I visioned and plan.
I can' wait to be with you again.
This time, I'll put all my effort in, do my best and this is gonna be forever. I guess.

Are you ready as well?
Can we appreciate each other?
I told you i'm grateful to have you, I really mean it.
But all your replies are :).
What does this mean?

I hope I'm not the one who expects too much, or maybe....perhaps,
you just wanna stay friends.

I hope not.

Friday, August 21, 2015